How to Stop Being Toxic (Yes, You Can Change)
Let’s have an honest conversation for a moment. You’ve come to the realization that maybe, just maybe, you’ve been the toxic one in some situations. Whether it’s in relationships, at work, or with friends, you’re starting to notice patterns of negativity, controlling behavior, or selfishness.
First of all, I want to applaud you for being self-aware and willing to make a change—this, unfortunately, is a rarity. Most people never even admit to themselves that they could be part of the problem. So you’re already miles ahead by acknowledging it. Now, the next step is figuring out how to stop being toxic, and I’m here to walk you through it.
1. Recognize Your Toxic Patterns
The first step to change is understanding what behaviors have been harmful to others. Think about the moments when people have called you out, distanced themselves from you, or when conflicts have arisen. Is there a recurring theme?
Do you frequently criticize or belittle others?
Are you quick to get defensive or angry?
Do you manipulate situations to get your way?
Do you struggle to let others have the last word, or to control conversations?
Whatever your patterns may be, acknowledge them without shame. You can’t fix something you’re not willing to admit is broken. And again, this kind of self-reflection is hard, so give yourself credit for doing it.
2. Understand Where It Comes From
Toxic behavior doesn’t just pop up out of nowhere. There’s usually something deeper behind it—whether it’s unresolved trauma, insecurities, past wounds, or even the behavior we’ve picked up from others around us.
Ask yourself: Why do I act this way?
Do I criticize others because I feel insecure about myself?
Do I get angry quickly because I’ve never learned how to manage frustration?
Do I manipulate because I feel powerless in other areas of my life?
Understanding where your toxic habits come from helps you dismantle them. It’s not about excusing the behavior, but about getting to the root cause so you can start addressing it.
3. Learn to Listen and Empathize
One of the key components of toxic behavior is a lack of empathy. Often, when we’re caught up in our own feelings, we fail to consider how others are affected. A great way to reverse toxic habits is by becoming a better listener and practicing empathy.
When someone shares their feelings, actually listen instead of thinking about your response.
Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
Ask open-ended questions that show you care about their perspective, like “How did that make you feel?” or “What can I do to support you?”
Empathy can feel like a muscle you’ve never used before, but the more you practice, the better you’ll get at it. And once you start making others feel heard and valued, relationships will naturally improve.
4. Own Your Mistakes (Without Excuses)
One of the hardest things to do when you’ve been toxic is to own up to it. But here’s the thing: accountability is powerful. When you can acknowledge where you’ve hurt someone and take responsibility without making excuses, you’re already halfway to healing the situation.
The next time someone calls you out or expresses hurt, resist the urge to be defensive. Instead, try saying something like:
“You’re right, I see how I hurt you. I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t realize my actions made you feel that way. Thank you for telling me.”
“I want to do better, and I’ll work on that.”
Notice that there’s no “but” or justification in these responses. Taking accountability means fully owning your behavior, not blaming it on someone else or the circumstances.
5. Work on Your Triggers
Toxic behaviors often stem from emotional triggers—things that set us off and make us act out in unhealthy ways. If you can identify these triggers, you can start working on how to handle them better.
Do you lash out when you feel ignored?
Does jealousy drive your toxic behavior in relationships?
Do you feel threatened when others challenge you, leading to controlling actions?
Once you identify what sets you off, you can start developing healthier coping mechanisms. For example, if jealousy is a trigger, work on building self-confidence and trust in your relationships. If feeling ignored makes you act out, practice communicating your needs openly instead of through passive-aggressive behavior.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
Here’s an important truth: You can’t stop being toxic overnight—and that’s okay. Change is a process, and you’re going to slip up along the way. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s progress.
Be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey. Instead of beating yourself up when you fall back into old habits, remind yourself that you’re learning and growing. The fact that you’re even making the effort to improve says a lot about who you are.
7. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences
You know that saying, “You are the company you keep”? It’s true. If you’re surrounded by toxic influences—people who thrive on drama, negativity, or manipulation—it’s going to be hard to break free from those habits.
Seek out relationships that are healthy, supportive, and positive. Spend time with people who challenge you to be better in a constructive way, not through criticism or mind games. The more you’re around positive influences, the easier it becomes to model healthier behavior yourself.
8. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If your toxic behavior is deeply ingrained, or if it stems from unresolved trauma or mental health struggles, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Therapy can be an incredibly powerful tool for unpacking the root causes of toxic habits and learning how to replace them with healthier patterns.
There’s no shame in asking for help—on the contrary, it shows strength and a commitment to becoming the best version of yourself.
Final Thoughts: You’re Capable of Change
If you’ve made it this far, it’s clear that you’re ready to make a change—and that’s the most important part. Toxicity isn’t something that’s set in stone. With effort, self-awareness, and a genuine desire to improve, you can transform your behavior and become the kind of person others want to be around.
Remember, the journey to change is ongoing, but every step forward counts. Keep going, stay accountable, and give yourself grace along the way. You’ve got this.
